13. Sweet Christopher

From about February until June I lived with a friend from middle school and high school. Christopher was good friends with Jen as long as I’d known her. He was upbeat, hilarious, and a bit of a “nymphomaniac” according to Jen. I caught Christopher checking me out numerous times throughout high school. If it were anyone else I would be terrified to live with him, but he was/is such a sweet person that he was impossible to be afraid of. 

The rent was an issue. I was still paying rent with Elise in Morrisville, so making the $750 rent this place required was too big a stretch. I was up front with him about this and he said he understood, and that he would rather live with me and cover some of my rent than live with someone random. We had an agreement that I would pay $550 at first and once I had an opportunity to save a bit more I would eventually pay my full half over the few months we lived together.

All together I was paying $475 for the place in Morrisville and $550 with Chris in South Burlington, plus utilities in both places. I was making $15 an hour at my full time job. I made it work and it honestly didn’t feel that hard, but looking back I have no idea how I did it. $15/hour was the most I had ever made, and I lived incredibly frugal. It was tight, but I got by without going into debt.

I was taking advantage of Chris and his obvious attraction to me. I knew he would do almost anything to have sex with me, even pay more in rent. He tried to broach the topic a couple of times, but I just acted clueless and changed the subject. 

I didn’t end up paying more in rent. I feel terrible about what I did now. I’ve wanted to reach out and apologize so many times for not paying my fair share of rent and going back on my word; ultimately taking advantage of him. It’s kept me up at night and I feel the shame knot in my stomach and my brain as I’m writing this.

Chris had so many great qualities, but his negative qualities were too much for me to look past. Living with him emotionally felt safe. It was just the mess that made me angry. I wasn’t able to go into the kitchen without feeling sick. From the time I moved in to the time our lease was up the kitchen sink was full of dishes. The same dishes. He never did them. The stove had aged melted cheese and crumbs all over it. The microwave was unusable because of all the exploded food and grime inside. I felt pissed that maybe he expected me to clean because I was a woman and cared about those things, so I made it a point not to. I didn’t use the kitchen much because my job provided meals while working.

Looking back I should’ve cleaned to do something nice for him; he was paying some of my rent. However, at the time this never occurred to me. It was just an unspoken thing that we both thought the kitchen was disgusting. I was counting down the days until I moved out.